Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm jealous!

I've debated talking about this on my blog, but I view my blog as my therapy and so therefore I am going to blog about it. I in no way mean to offend anyone but the reality is, this is how I feel right now (perhaps some of this may be hormonal) regardless my feelings are true:

I have a sad heart because I feel like my little Nathan is so far behind. I know we aren't suppose to compare, I know each kid is wired differently, I know each kid will do it in his own time BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and that this journey isn't a hard mountain to climb.
I've seen my RTS mom friends go through a lot, I've seen them go through pain and frustration but I've also seen so much progress with their kids. Many eat by mouth now, many sign, some talk, some play with toys (actually play with them) not chuck them across the room, read books, identify colours, numbers and do puzzles.

Nathan is 31/2 years old and NONE of that is happening here. He has made a few sounds and has said " Mum Mum" a total of five times in his entire life. I have not heard him say it in months and no new sounds are developing. Only 1/3 of RTS sweeties are programmed to talk and realistically I don't believe Nathan is one of them. Okay fine- so he can learn sign or use PECS or communication devices- How do you even begin with all that?? Hasn't happened yet!
I've been working on signs with him for well over a year and he has yet to sign back. I just don't see how any communication is gonna work. If I ask him something, he doesn't engage in the conversation, not even with eye contact. He's not interested in reading books with me - he just pushes them aside. I know that he doesn't know his colours, he doesn't know the alphabet, he doesn't know numbers etc.... Then theres eating...
We have had NO progress in the eating department. A good friend, once told me, "Christine- there are no known RTS adults with feeding tubes- Nathan will eat- he will." I want to believe that but as each day passes it gets harder and harder to believe that. I think Nathan will be the first EVER RTS adult to be fully 100% tube -fed. I feel like giving up!! ( I know your all thinking Don't, be persistent, he will ) Well at what point is worth stressing him and me over eating??? Food is not anything he cares about. Food ALWAYS ENDS UP ON THE FLOOR. he doesn't even want to touch it. He will lick every surface on earth EXCEPT food. So again... tell me what the hell am I suppose to do?

I'm frustrated and jealous of the progress of all these other wonderful RTS kids, I just want one of them to be Nathan- Today I feel absolutely alone within my RTS family- I feel like we don't fit in. I'd like to say that I am a stronger person and a better person but TODAY I am jealous of you. I am jealous of your childs progress. TODAY- I HATE RTS with a PASSION- I just wish it would go away!!!!!!


  1. I can't even tell you how much your post sounds like my thoughts right now. I feel the same way, I feel like Sawyer is so much further behind. i'm sorry you are having a rough day. I just want you to know that you aren't alone, I am feeling the same way right now and I am sure there are a lot of people who have felt the same way. I think you are amazing and doing a great job. I don't think there is anything more that you can do. It's hard to stay positive sometime and a good vent can help a lot. But really, you aren't alone. I feel the same way.

  2. Dear Friend. I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. I think that if we are being honest, we would say that we all compare and we are all a bit jealous of some of the things other kids are doing. It is just the way it is with us Mama's sometimes.

    I think that Nathan is doing great! I see him working his majic on his computer and I know that he is making progress!! What I think is so hard is the pace in which our kids progress. Some things are very slow and other things they catch on very quickly. You are doing an amazing job with Nathan. I can read the love and care in your words. I know that you are doing everything that you can to help Nathan become the best person that he can. And now that he is in school...he is going to amaze you. ;-)

    Keep your head up, friend. It will get better.

  3. I am thinking of you today. (((Hugs)))

  4. Christine,

    I agree with Missie. If we are all honest, we all compare and get jealous at times. I just don't think it is talked about much.

    Nathan is making strides, big strides. He's going to school, that's huge! He's out an about with other kids learning new things, like walking down stairs.

    I think it is great that you blogged about this. I think there are several parents that feel the same way. I am one of them. I feel that his gross motor skills are so far behind and that he will never walk independently.

    Yes, our kids are going to be who they are meant to be, but it doesn't make it easier to accept some days. You love your son and it is very evident. That's what he needs the most.

    Wish I could give you a big hug right now!

  5. I'm so glad you shared your feelings, Christine. We all compare and all know we shouldn't, but we still do. I see Nathan as a beautiful boy with many talents that other children don't have. And there are many more talents to surprise you and us every day as he develops. He is his own boy, and we love him for who he is...and you are doing everything you can to help him...some things he has to decide in his own time to do. And he loves his Mom, who recognizes his individuality as a person. Hugs and smiles, Cindy :)

  6. I meant that MY Nathan's gross motor skill are far behind...not yours. I worded that so wrong...sorry.

  7. Yep! Im jealous too! I feel joy when I see or hear about another child with RTS talking, eating, developing, and along with that joy and hope, Im jealous! For sure, I feel jealous too. Its natural, nothing to feel bad about. Somehow I find it within me to focus on ALex and the great abilities he has, to know that he will reach his full capacity on his own time. He is the best he can be right now! I love who he is, just like you love Nathan for who he is, even when he chucks that toy across the room. Alex chucks anything his therapists ask him to do, like put this on top, nope, it gets chucked only because you asked me too! In all my love and excitement for Alex and his RTS brothers and sisters, Im jealous too. Dont feel alone sister, youre not! I love you friend!

  8. Oh Christine, You wrote what I feel a lot of the time but don't have the courage to write it. I love you for that. Just last night after watching Kelly's Max signing away I felt a twinge of jealousy.. Sorry Kelly no offense, I felt like Noah was way behind in that moment. It's not that I'm not happy for our other RTS kids just that sometimes it makes us feel like we are not doing enough. I relate so much with this post. You are not alone.. Hugs to you.

  9. I just wanted to let you know that this post really hit me hard it made me cry, not because you are feeling this way but because so am i! i Know Jesus is still really young and he is doing some things that are great. But I too feel jealous, Jealous that jesus wasnt born with two working eyes, that he is alergic to everything that goes into his mouth, health wise i just feel like Jesus is getting worse and worse.
    i'm right there with you!
    thank you for sharing your true feelings!:)

  10. Christine as many others have shared in the comments - you are so not alone in comparing your child to someone else's and then feeling bleak. Having been in that space so often in the past has led me to despise the impact it has on my life, and you saw the result in my recent blog posting. I had to commit myself to change my thinking or else I would just lose myself in the despair that I feel when I have compared Matt to another kid and he's not up to their level. You commented that it was because I was strong that I responded that way, no it was just because I was so desparate not to live in that pit any longer. I know that feeling of despising RTS. So I echo what others have said, you are not alone. Nor are you a bad mom for thinking that. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and honestly.

  11. Hey my friend
    As everyone has said...we all feel it. Sometimes I don't even want to watch videos of our sweet RTS kids because I know there will be jealousy. It hurts to see things that your kid can't do when you compare them to typical kids...but when you compare to another RTS child it seems to hurt MORE.

    We all get it...we really do...and you are never alone.

    I love you

  12. Christine, I am a bit late with this, but I wanted to say that I can relate to your post. I get jealous of other kids. It is bad enough that I get jealous of typical kids, but I am also jealous of what other kids with RTS are doing. Hope you are feeling better. Hugs! Kelly